"Gay Christian"

Join me in Fredericton for The Walrus Talks!

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I always knew I would share my story publicly in some way, but I had no idea the places it would take me, the people I would meet and the ways I would grow. I've been privileged to speak on many stages across the country on the challenges and complexities of being a queer Christian woman of colour.

I'm excited to continue this dialogue when I speak at The Walrus Talks in Fredericton in April. From March to June, the Walrus Foundation is hosting national conversations across the country featuring 50 Order of Canada recipients and 50 young leaders.

As you may have guessed, I'm one of the "young leaders" and will be speaking on the intersections of sexuality, faith and race.

I've struggled deeply with these parts of my identity, silencing and hiding different pieces at various times. It has been exhausting to live a fractured life, wondering which part of me will be accepted.

As a result, I've spent most of my life trying to make sense of who I am. I no longer live in silence, and I want to encourage others to see the power of their stories and realize they aren't alone in their experiences.

But it has been a deeply painful journey.

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I recently went through some of my old journals, revisiting a chaotic and challenging time in my life, including the first time I admitted I was gay: "It makes me feel sick to actually acknowledge this part of me I've been trying to hide and push away, but it's eating at me. I can't concentrate. I'm getting headaches and I just need to get it out. I think I'm gay."

There were so many entries where I spoke about this part of me as if it was disgusting, broken and untouchable – as if I was disgusting, broken and untouchable. Shame and self-hatred filled many pages in my journals. I wondered if I would ever be okay with this part of me, let alone be proud and celebrate my sexuality.

My journals took me on a journey where I eventually got to witness healing, freedom and growth. One of those moments was sharing my story publicly on my blog several years ago: “I never thought I would get here. I’m happy with who I am. I’m proud of who I am. I’m free.

This was an important time where I needed to tell my story for me, to find and speak my voice again.

These questions and challenges have caused me to advocate for and with other LGBTQ+ people who are trying to survive their Christian and Catholic communities. Although I've seen many changes in schools, churches and the media, heteronormativity is still prevalent in our culture.

I've spoken to many other LGBTQ+ Christians who are struggling to make sense of their faith, sexuality and gender orientation. There are still many communities that aren't affirming or open to having this dialogue. For those of us who are also racialized, intersectionality is deeply lacking. We aren't represented in those spaces and our stories aren't included in these conversations.

But we are here. We exist and we will continue to fight.

If you're in Fredericton on April 24, I would love to have you join this conversation and hear from others who are doing great work around the country. You can get a free ticket here, and the talks will be filmed and shared online at a later time.

My Huffington Post piece: a gay Christian goes back to church

Easter is the most important time for Christians in which they believe Jesus died on the cross for their sins and resurrected three days later. This season reminds me of the last time I regularly went to church. I wept uncontrollably for most of the Easter service several years ago as I was still struggling to accept my sexuality. I didn't believe I belonged there as a gay Christian and left the church.

I recently wrote a piece for the Huffington Post on the challenges and complexities I've experienced going back to church. You can read my post, From Familiar to Foreign: A Gay Christian Goes Back to Church.

Spoiler alert: it’s really, really hard! Despite many challenges and feeling overwhelmed, I've met some really kind people and this community is an important place I long for.

My "church challenges" have been lonely and rocky. (Jenna Tenn-Yuk)

Last year, I started a challenge to go back to church. On one of my church challenges, I caught myself looking around as I entered the building and part of me was afraid of being seen by anyone I knew. I had similar thoughts and fears when I started going to gay bars. I laughed at the irony of the situation and how much life had changed.

How could a place that used to feel like home become so foreign to me?

I’ve become a stranger who sat at the back of the church and planned an escape route in case it was too difficult to be there. I know you don’t need a church building to find God, and I’ve experienced his presence in powerful ways outside of the church and Christian communities. However, I’ve missed having that community and actively seeking God with other people.

Nature is one of the places I experience God. (Jenna Tenn-Yuk)

Spoken word has felt like church to me. (Artemysia Fragiskatos)

The church is so broken, but it has also been a place of love, safety and refuge for many people, including myself. Many of my friends who are gay and Christian long for this place of community again, but many don’t feel welcomed there.

We need to do something different and not be afraid of the tensions and complexities. Let’s be okay to sit in the mess and questions with one another. Let’s remember what Jesus’ message was actually about.

Take this season to reflect on your journey, but also think about those individuals who are on the margins, desiring a place to call home.